Only Cowards Run Away
by millstone1005
Summary: Marissa’s and Ryan’s thoughts after their confrontation at the dock when Ryan was about to leave on the fishing boat in episode 3.5 'The Perfect Storm'


This is for the Season 3 Missing Scene Challenge over at livejournal, for the episode 3.5 _The Perfect Storm_. 

**Title:** Only Cowards Run Away  
**Authors:** fredsmith518, millstone1005  
**Betas:** millstone1005, fredsmith518  
**Rating:** PG  
**Disclaimer:** Nothing owned. No profit taken.  
**Summary:** Marissa's and Ryan's thoughts after their confrontation at the dock when Ryan was about to leave on the fishing boat.  
**A/N:** So, ladies and gentlemen, we present a collaboration, aka, Fred got stuck and Millstone had a good idea. :-) Millstone is also responsible for the title, the summary, the quotes, and the way the fic is laid out, which Fred liked very much.

**Only Cowards Run Away**

Marissa to Ryan: _"I couldn't figure out why I was so mad at you and then I realized, it's because you're doing what my dad did. You see, he left and ran away on a boat and now you are, too. So I guess that makes you just as much of a coward as he is. And you know what, running away never really helped him at all."_

* * *

_Marissa_

Marissa had said her piece. She turned away from Ryan, the fishing boat, the associated paraphernalia and jostling guys and made her way resolutely back up the dock, deliberately not looking back, although that was hard. It had been harder still to let him go without a hug or a kiss, but all her efforts had been focused on changing his mind, not letting him think he was going with her blessing.

She held her head high, her hair flowing in the breeze blowing off the ocean. But all the while, tears streamed down her face. All she could do now was hope that what she'd said would sink in and that Ryan would be convinced to stay. She felt certain he was making the worst choice for himself, throwing away the opportunity the Cohens were giving him to graduate and make something more of his life than he'd been heading for in Chino – twice. Marissa had indulged in daydreams of going away to college with Ryan more than once. She'd thought he, of all people, would make the most of such a chance, being so studious and conscientious.

Marissa knew that she'd been playing on his guilt, his overdeveloped tendency to take responsibility for everything and everyone on his own shoulders, and maybe that was the wrong way to go about things, but she was desperate and she was certain that Ryan needed to feel, well, that he was needed. The words she'd chosen hadn't been out of random spite but were those she'd felt were her best hope to get him to stay. Maybe calling him a coward had been too harsh, but that word had just spat out. Perhaps it was a throwback to the many days spent the previous summer listening to Summer rant about Seth sailing off? Summer had called Seth a 'coward' and it had seemed to fit him then and her father and Ryan now, because they had all chosen to leave, not work through their difficulties. And although she was working for Ryan's best interests, that didn't mean she wasn't hurt by his decision and she'd needed to let him know that.

It was a beautiful day, but the last place Marissa wanted to be was by the ocean. She needed to be anywhere but there. Calming, soothing waves? No way. The very sight of the sea hurt. She got into her car and drove off, somewhat aimlessly at first. The second time she had to wipe the tears from her eyes, she realized that her concentration wasn't on the road and she needed to pull over soon.

She made a right, then a left and parked. This playground was one of her favorite places, holding as it did, so many happy memories. It was always a good place to come and think. Today it was almost deserted. There was only a lone mom pushing a little baby in a bucket swing, humming softly. Marissa smiled fondly at the jungle gym that lay beyond the swingset. After Kaitlin had been born, her dad had brought her here a couple of times each week. She could dress like a tomboy in boots and jeans and her dad didn't care how dirty she got. He'd encouraged her to climb up high and to swing from the bars. She'd always felt safe as he'd always stepped up close if she made a misstep and seemed in danger of falling, but because he'd been there her confidence had been high and she'd always righted herself without help. Her dad had made up the best stories also. The jungle gym had been a house, a fort, a castle, even a ship. Marissa had loved it, loved him. He'd been the best dad, always happy to spend time with her and patient too. Her mom had always had such high expectations, with her dad Marissa had always felt she could just 'be'.

Ryan going off had churned anything that had happened with her dad back up to the surface. She recognized now that she was nowhere near getting over her dad leaving. Deep down, Marissa knew she was overreacting somewhat. She'd see her dad again and Ryan, of course. Just because they left, didn't mean they'd stopped loving her. It was just that the summer had been so hard, with the investigation over Trey's shooting hanging over her and then getting expelled and having to start a new school and adjust to a different set of expectations from both the staff and the pupils. Any part of her support system disintegrating made everything more difficult. Just as she was finally beginning to settle down a little at Newport Union, making a few friends. She wanted 'normal', no more drama.

Marissa closed her eyes for a moment against the sun's glare and wished she'd remembered to bring her sunglasses. She crossed the playground and sat on a bench shaded by a redwood. Her cell rang. She checked the caller id and a managed a watery smile. She wondered how he could have known to call now? When she was here. When she needed him.

"Hey, kiddo, how are you? I just wanted to check in. Hear how you're doing."

"Yeah?" She tried to keep the waver out of her voice. She'd thought she'd be angry with him – she'd thought she wouldn't even take a call from him yet – but obviously she'd gotten that wrong. Despite her harsh words to him when he'd left, he was her daddy and always would be. Coming to this place, almost as a default mechanism when she'd needed someplace 'safe' to sit and pull herself back together proved that she would never really let him go. The very sound of his voice made her feel better.

"Absolutely. I'm not about to forget about my best girl. I miss you, sweetheart. You okay?"

She told him what had happened with Ryan.

"Oh, baby, that sucks, huh? Guys. But you know he'll still care, right? Don't give up. He came back from Chino, didn't he? And this is what? Three weeks? It's gonna fly by." She loved how he could sympathize with her unreservedly for Ryan doing the same thing he had.

He told her about his job, so far he was doing great. He sounded more confident. Maybe he had made the right decision for himself this time? By the time the call finished, she was feeling better. She would cope. She could be strong, stand on her own two feet. She'd started to mend the bridges with her dad. She knew that, ultimately, she'd do the same with Ryan – she could never stay mad at him for long either. Although, she was still certain _he _wasmaking the wrong decision. Maybe this time she'd be able to help him pick up the pieces when he came back? Perhaps she should write him a letter? Later. Or call even.

Marissa sat back behind the wheel and took a deep breath. She checked her face in the mirror. Red, puffy eyes. She considered going back to Summer's house and carefully reapplying her face. Considered it, dismissed it. She was due to meet up with Summer and Seth, if she swung by the house, she'd be late…

* * *

_Ryan_

After Marissa walked away, Ryan was too stunned to think for a moment. He mindlessly turned back towards the boat and resumed helping the other fishermen load up everyone's bags.

When he had heard Marissa call his name a few minutes ago, Ryan had happily gone over to meet her. She'd come to see him off. Maybe she had come around and finally decided to give him her blessing. He had been expecting a goodbye, maybe tears, maybe a hug. He hadn't been expecting an attack. He hadn't expected her to call him a coward and accuse him of running away. He hadn't known what to say to that, what to think. He still didn't. He knew that she was still hurting about her father leaving, but to turn that into this...

Ryan shook his head and shrugged, then tried to concentrate on doing his job.

A few minutes later, Johnny's uncle – Captain Harper – neared Ryan's vicinity as he moved around making sure everything was getting done properly in preparation for shoving off at sunset. He spotted Ryan and came over. Ryan straightened up, reminding himself that this was his boss.

"Atwood, isn't it?" Ryan nodded. "Good. Glad to see you're on time."

The Captain looked around for a moment, then spotted who he was looking for. He called out to another one of the fishermen, "Hey, Fred! Show Atwood here the ropes, okay?"

"Sure, Captain, as soon as I finish this," Fred called back, gesturing at the nets he was working on stowing away.

"Thanks." The captain turned to Ryan. "Fred's one of my most experienced sailors. He'll tell you everything you need to know. If you have any questions, ask him. Just do what he tells you, and you'll get along fine."

Ryan nodded. "Yes, sir. And thank you for giving me a chance."

The captain warned, "Don't make me regret it." And with that, he moved off to resume overseeing the preparation of the boat for the weeks at sea.

Shortly, Fred came over and started showing Ryan the ropes – literally – and Ryan's job began in earnest. It was hard physical work, as the Captain had warned him, and they hadn't even left the dock yet. There was plenty to do and plenty to learn. Even so, Ryan found his mind wandering, thinking about what Marissa had said.

Ryan hadn't thought of himself as _running_ _away_, but maybe more like _going back_. Going back to the way things used to be. Like he told Seth, no one in his family had even gotten a high school diploma, much less thought about going to college. He had expected to earn his living in construction or something similar, like commercial fishing. This kind of job was exactly what he had planned to do with his life. It paid well – a lot better than clerk at the local convenience store – and it didn't require an advanced degree, only a strong back. No, this was as far as his blue-collar DNA could take him.

But then everything had changed. When he had moved in with the Cohens two years ago, with the new home came a new, and higher, set of expectations for his future: attend a private prep school, get a high school diploma, go to college, do something important with his life, like becoming an architect. It was all so different, and scary. Sometimes Ryan felt like he was living somebody else's life. But he didn't want to let the Cohens down, not after everything they'd done for him.

But then everything had changed again. It had all come crashing down when Dean Hess had put that note in his Harbor transcript. Although, to be fair, it was partially his own fault, for throwing that punch, not that he was sorry he did it. The Dean was a jackass. And even Sandy thought it was ridiculous to pay for one punch with his entire future, which was trashed now that he had no shot at getting into college. At least that future was, the future that the Cohens wanted for him. His old future was still there, and that was what he clung to.

"Atwood!"

Startled out of his thoughts, Ryan looked quickly over at Fred, and then down at the ropes in front of him, sure that guilt was written all over his face. He'd been so preoccupied that he hadn't been concentrating on his job. He hadn't been carefully following Fred's instructions about how to tie the ropes, and now they were a mess.

Fred grabbed a couple of the ropes out of Ryan's hands and tied them the correct way. "Pay attention to what you're doing. If these ropes get untied while we're out at sea, you could endanger the entire boat." He shoved them back into Ryan's hands. "Do the rest of these right this time."

Ryan looked down, embarrassed. "Yes, sir. Sorry. Won't happen again."

Fred growled, "See that it doesn't."

After that, Ryan tried to focus on what he was doing, he really did. But it was a lost cause. He kept getting distracted. Words kept swirling around in his head.

Marissa's words:

_He left and ran away on a boat and now you are, too. So I guess that makes you just as much of a coward as he is._

And Sandy's words:

_You have to keep trying!_

And Kirsten's words:

_If you keep out of trouble until you graduate at the very least you'll land at a good community college. You post a couple of semesters of good work, then you could transfer to a four year school._

And Seth's words:

_What if Harbor let you back in? I may have a plan in motion._

Their combined words overwhelmed Ryan and started him thinking that maybe he _was_ running away, maybe he _was_ being a coward, maybe he _was_ giving up too soon on the future that Sandy and Kirsten had enabled him to aspire to. Maybe he should stay and keep fighting to be a Cohen, instead of leaving and settling for being an Atwood.

And then of course there was Marissa. He loved her, he always had, and he didn't want to lose her. He had hoped that she would understand why he was doing what he was doing, that she'd be here when he got back. But now, it didn't look like that was going to happen. He thought she was overreacting, but he wasn't sure he could convince her of that, and he wasn't sure that this job was worth losing her over.

"Atwood!"

Ryan looked up. Oh, no. This time it was the Captain. And he didn't look happy. He gestured at Ryan to come over. Ryan sighed and stood up, putting down the ropes he had been attempting to put right. Well, if he was fired, at least he would no longer have to agonize over whether or not to keep this job.

When Ryan reached the Captain, he pulled him aside and shoved his duffle bag into his arms.

"Look, Atwood... Ryan, isn't it?" After Ryan confirmed that was his name, Johnny's uncle continued. "Look, Ryan, you're a friend of my nephew's, so I'm going to tell you what I told him. Working on this boat is no life for somebody who has anything else they could do. You seem like a smart kid. Go back to school. Do something better with your life."

Faced with being fired, Ryan quickly tried to do some damage control. "Look, I'm sorry, I'll do better."

Captain Harper looked him in the eyes. "It's not just that. I can tell that you don't really want to be here, you don't really want this job." Ryan started to protest, but Johnny's uncle stopped him. "Not just because you weren't concentrating on the work. I can also see it in your eyes. So get off my boat and let me get back to work."

Ryan studied Johnny's uncle for a moment and realized he was serious, and more than that, he was right.

Ryan nodded in defeat. "Yeah, okay."

Johnny's uncle smiled and clapped him on the shoulder. "Good luck, Ryan. And say 'hi' to Johnny for me."

"Thanks. I will."

Ryan slung his duffle bag over his shoulder, headed off the fishing boat, and made his way up the dock. The Cohens would be happy. And Marissa, too. _Marissa_. He had to go and find her, let her know he was staying, and hope it wasn't too late. He knew that the Cohens would take him back, but he wasn't so sure about her.

He had to find Marissa.

* * *

Ryan to Marissa: _"I don't know what my future is, but I know it's with you. Here. Not on some boat in the middle of the ocean."_


End file.
